11 Undeniable Reasons To Put Your Kids First In Your Divorce

Throughout their book, Our Happy Divorce, Nikki DeBartolo and Ben Heldfond share how created their own version of divorce and worked together for one important goal: putting their son, Asher, first. It wasn’t always easy, and still isn’t to this day, but there are many undeniable reasons to put kids first in a divorce. 


10 Reasons to Put Kids First in Your Divorce

Simply put, the most important reason to put kids first in a divorce is that this is what’s best for them. By working together as co-parents to put the kids first, you can minimize many of the harmful effects divorce can have on kids. Focus on putting the kids first because:


  • They didn’t have a choice. The most important reason to put kids first in your divorce is that children are innocent bystanders in the choice to end your marriage. They didn’t choose for you to get married, they didn’t choose for you to have children, and they didn’t choose for you to get divorced. Therefore, you should pay special attention to how they are thinking, feeling, and reacting to those choices so that they are protected for the long term. 

  • They’re going through a big change. Recognize that this divorce is probably the biggest change your kids will ever go through. They have a lot to process both emotionally and physically. Not only do they have to understand the changing relationship between you and your ex-spouse, but they also have to understand their place in it all.

  • You’ll re-affirm your love for them. Putting the kids first often leads to more one-on-one time with your kids and more focused attention from you. This type of quality time helps re-affirm that your love for them hasn’t changed.

  • They are experiencing a lot of emotions. Even in a collaborative and positive divorce, children may experience emotional effects. Children commonly question whether they are still loved, or they may carry guilt that they did something to cause this divorce. This is where being honest with them that the divorce is about the marriage, not the family, can be extremely helpful. Check in on their feelings frequently. 

    • Your kids are experiencing a loss. During a divorce, your children are losing the family they are used to. Even if the kids are sharing their time equally with both parents, “family” as they know it has changed completely. They no longer have immediate access to their other parent, and they no longer live in just one home.

    • New seasons bring new relationships. Whether it’s simply in the form of a babysitter or something more permanent like a step-family, new people will be coming into your child’s life.

    • You’ll identify concerns before they get serious. Divorce can have emotional, physical, and psychological effects on kids. It’s not uncommon to notice changes in behavior, struggles at school and emotional outbursts. Putting your kids first in divorce helps minimize these effects because they feel more confident about your love and affection. 

    • They’re looking for answers. Divorce can be confusing for kids. They’re learning to live in two different homes and meeting new people. By putting their needs first, you can minimize any confusion they’re feeling. Pick a custody schedule that makes transitions and time away from the other parent as easy as possible on them. 

    • You’ll build a trusting relationship with them. By committing to openly communicating with your kids, you’re setting the stage for an open and trusting relationship in the future.

      • You can protect their self-esteem. Kids in divorce often question their worth. They may worry that if their parents fell out of love with each other, they could also stop loving them. Be sure to remind kids frequently that you love them and nothing will change that.

      • This is the start of something new. Even though your marriage is ending, your new family life is beginning. The way you treat your kids and support them through this transition will help set the stage for your future relationship with them. 

      Divorce is a major change for you and your kids. When you have a committed co-parent, putting the kids first is the best way to help them through the transition. Putting your kids first can be as simple as making every decision through the lens of what’s best for the kids. Ask yourself: “Is this custody schedule best for my kids?” “Are my kids happy?” “Can I do anything to make this easier for my kids?” 


      These simple adjustments in how you make decisions can have a big impact on your kids. Continue to put them first by reaffirming your love for them, openly communicating with them and encouraging them to do the same, and framing every decision with their best interests at heart.

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