Dating After Divorce

Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, July 7, 2020

Making the choice to start dating again after your divorce can be tricky, emotional, and especially difficult if there are children involved. Ben, Nikki, Susan, and Kate were happy to have Bela Gandhi, dating expert and founder of the Smart Dating Academy, on their recent livestream to talk about the transition from divorce to dating. 

The most important thing to understand when making the choice to start dating again is to remember your children are watching. They are as invested in your happiness as you are into theirs. At the end of the day, any reservations or fear in a new partner all comes down to — they just want what’s best for you. But what is best for you? What will make you happy with a new partner so you can share that happiness with your whole family? It’s important that you understand that you start with some self-discovery before you embark into the dating world. A good launch point is getting to the bottom of where you went wrong in your relationship with your ex, forgive yourself for those mistakes, and stay conscious of not repeating those mistakes in the future. By working through those important personal milestones, you can prevent yourself from choosing a future dating partner that won’t be a good fit for you or your family. Your children will appreciate seeing mom or dad live a happier life and find someone who truly loves and appreciates them. 

To help you break down this transition, Bela Gandhi — with the help of our amazing co-hosts — shares the following tips: 

• Broaden your net. Find people that will get you and will get your schedule and realize when you need to put up boundaries to show up for your children. This can often mean finding a person that also has kids. This will help you bridge the gap in understanding family time, the co-parenting relationship, and why kids always come first. It eases the initial pain points of getting into the dating pool and trying to find other individuals who understand the post-divorce world. 

• Notice if you’re looking for a relationship or for a dating experience. There’s a process you need to go through after your divorce that can sometimes mean you’re not ready for a relationship immediately after you’re divorced. Some people need that fresh experience to get out there and date and don’t want to dive into another relationship right away. Some people are ready to start dating right away. Find that understanding within yourself and be honest about whether or not you want a relationship or to do a little bit of learning about who you are as a single person. 

• Happily, fulfilled people do not seek whatever they’re seeking in another relationship. Happiness comes from within. Once you truly understand what you want and what will make your soul happy, you’ll naturally find someone that will appreciate those qualities in you. The harm comes in if you are searching for someone to “fix” your feelings or make you happy. If you need to take time to figure out what makes you happy, take it! 

• When it comes to meeting the children, take your time and over-communicate. Do not let someone pressure you to jump the gun and meet the kids before you or the kids are ready. Remember, you can’t un-ring the bell. Once the kids have met your new partner, you can’t undo that experience. Openly communicate with your children to understand their comfort level. We also encourage communicating with your ex about what they feel comfortable with in terms of a new partner meeting the children.

• Accept what you cannot control. When Ben accepted that Nikki was going to date after their divorce, it opened the door to accept Chad with more of an open mind. A happy parent is a better parent. Maybe your ex will find someone that is a better fit for them. That will make your ex a better parent in the end and that should be your ultimate goal. It’s difficult to process this radical truth, but once you can get there, it is a much happier experience and will lead to a better co-parenting relationship. 

To listen to all of our full livestream recordings, visit our Youtube page.

Don’t forget to follow us on all of our social channels: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn. If you’d like to join our private Facebook community, please visit the Our Happy Divorce Facebook Group. 

To learn more about Kate Anthony and The Divorce Survival Guide, visit her on Facebook and Instagram or visit KateAnthony.com. Listen to her podcast at: kateanthony.com/podcast-1

Discover more about Susan Guthrie and The Divorce and Beyond Podcast on Facebook and Instagram or at DivorceandBeyond.org. Listen to the Divorce and Beyond Podcast here: divorceandbeyond.podbean.com

Follow Bela Gandhi and the Smart Dating Academy on Facebook, Instagram, or at smartdatingacademy.com.

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