A Conversation with Naja Hall

Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, November 17, 2020

This week, Ben, Susan and Kate had a conversation with Naja Hall to talk all things blended families and parenting through divorce. 

Naja is the founder of BlendedandBlack.com, the number one destination for millennials in step families, and the host of the leading podcast I Know I’m Crazy. As a Certified Coach and Educator, she understands that the family is THE MOST influential entity of human development, and her work centers around helping individuals, couples, and families navigate some of life’s toughest transitions.  

• The unavoidable truths of being a step-parent: The number one experience Naja shared is that you may end up in a situation where people don’t want you there, and they may not be afraid to let you know that. There can be a sense of rejection and isolation. It’s important to realize that there’s already a family dynamic in place and it’s important for you to find a way to fit in instead of disrupting it. 

• Know your place: The group agrees that it’s important for all step-parents to realize that the children already have a mother and father. It’s okay for the step-parent to play the role of “cool Auntie.” There will eventually be a time when the kids will come to you for advice and attention, and that’s when you can shine.

• The step-parenting role transitions over time. Sometimes it can take 5-7 years for a family to blend. It’s important to move slowly so that it doesn’t seem like the step-parent is stepping in to take over. It takes time to build trust. The best way to do this is by spending extra, one-on-one time with each child.

• Problems when blending families: The most common problem we see is blending the family too soon. The group agrees that the right time to introduce the children is when you know the relationship has staying power. It’s also not fair to the children to wait too long. Tune in to your kids and they’ll let you know when it’s ready.

Throughout the livestream, the group shares their own personal experiences in blended families, the difference between resentment and forgiveness, and discuss when it’s time to turn to an attorney in the divorce process. 

Don’t forget to follow us on all of our social channels: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn. If you’d like to join our private Facebook community, please visit the Our Happy Divorce Facebook Group. 

Naja Hall is the founder of VIPStepmom and Blended and Black. As the host of the popular podcast, I Know I’m Crazy with Naja Hall, and author of the Amazon best-seller Girl, Bye! book series, Naja’s life’s work is to teach empathy, accountability, and emotional intelligence through the art of story-telling and genuine human connections. You can find her at blendedandblack.com and VIPStepmom.com. 

To learn more about Kate Anthony and The Divorce Survival Guide, visit her on Facebook and Instagram or visit KateAnthony.com. Listen to her podcast at: kateanthony.com/podcast-1.

Discover more about Susan Guthrie and The Divorce and Beyond Podcast on Facebook and Instagram or at DivorceandBeyond.org. Listen to the Divorce and Beyond Podcast here: divorceandbeyond.podbean.com.

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Blending the Family: The Right Way

Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, October 27, 2020

Blending families is complicated. It’s also an ongoing process that evolves over time. Ben, Susan and Kate welcomed Mike Mulder and Summer Felix-Mulder, spouses, coparents and hosts of the Everything Always podcast, to discuss how to blend families, the right way.  

Mike and Summer dated for about 2 years before starting to blend their families together. Each has two children with their ex-spouse. Their podcast focuses on sharing what has worked, what hasn’t, and what they’re still working on when it comes to blending their families. Blending families is a unique situation for each family involved. There are many factors that influence the “right” way to blend a family, from the kids’ ages to what’s going on in the other parent’s household, even a global pandemic can greatly change the way blended families parent. 

To help you better understand the dynamics of blended families and how you can successfully blend your family, Mike and Summer along with Ben, Susan and Kate shared their personal experiences in this episode of the livestream: Blending the Family: The Right Way. 

• Where do you want to place your children? One of the most helpful questions is, “Do you want to place your children in the center of your divorce, or in the middle of it?” Placing your child in the center of your divorce means focusing on what’s best for them. Placing them in the middle of the divorce means placing your emotions and stresses on them and using them as a pawn in the divorce. It’s important to keep your children at the center of your relationship with your co-parent, not in the middle of it. 

• There’s no guidebook to perfect parenting. The relationships in blended families are always evolving. As children get older, they can better navigate two different households. As co-parents and step-parents and new spouses all become more familiar with each other, communication will get easier. Over time, it’s also easy to learn how to best communicate with your ex-spouse about important parenting topics.  

• Who does the “heavy parenting”? In a blended family, there are a lot of parent figures. It’s important that the adults and children both understand the roles of each parent and their authority. At first, step-parents do not have the authority to parent the new kids in their lives. Over time, they may gain that authority to step in on more and more parenting moments, but it’s also equally important to rely on the biological parent for the heavy parenting. Typically, biological parents should be the ones doing any heavy discipline or parenting with their kids. 

• How to achieve peace in the home: Even in a high conflict divorce, it’s possible to achieve peace in your home with your blended family. It’s important to understand what you can control (what takes place in your own home), and what you can’t control (what happens at your ex’s). Set aside your ego and avoid the desire to control what happens in the other household. Remember that you can control things like the dinner routine, homework expectations and bedtimes in your own home. You can have a conversation with your ex about these expectations in their home, but ultimately you can only control what happens in your own home. It’s important to set your ego aside.

• Co-parenting in a pandemic: The global COVID-19 pandemic has created unique challenges for blended families. Children are moving back and forth between two households that may have different rules about quarantining and safety practices. Again, ultimately you can only control what happens in your own home. It’s a good idea to communicate openly about your concerns and expectations and find a way to peacefully co-parent these children who are learning to live in a new world, too. 

Listen to the full livestream with Mike and Summer Mulder to hear even more tips from our experts on positive communication in blended families, how to navigate conflict and how to keep your kids at the center of your divorce, not in the middle of it. 

Don’t forget to follow us on all of our social channels: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn. If you’d like to join our private Facebook community, please visit the Our Happy Divorce Facebook Group. 

Hear more of Mike and Summer Mulder’s blended family advice on their podcast, Everything Always. Follow them on Facebook and YouTube for more. 

Discover more about Susan Guthrie and The Divorce and Beyond Podcast on Facebook and Instagram or at DivorceandBeyond.org. Listen to the Divorce and Beyond Podcast here: divorceandbeyond.podbean.com 

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How the Coronavirus Made Us Stronger Than Ever

Our Happy Divorce Thursday, April 2, 2020

When we got the news that Florida was shutting down due to coronavirus, it was scary. We immediately jumped on the phone and made sure the family was okay. Ben was watching the news closely, as he always does. Nikki was busy filling the pantry with the kid’s favorite snacks. Nadia was heading over to Nikki’s house to make sure she was okay. Asher was making the family laugh as only he knows how to do. And, Chad was heading to the front lines to keep his county informed about testing, social distancing, and staying calm. 

We live 6 houses apart from each other, so we knew that we would remain a tight-knit family and we could get through this together. As time progressed, things got a little more fun and hopeful every day. 

A few weekends ago, we celebrated Izzy’s birthday. Because of the shutdown, we decided to do a small birthday party for Izzy with just the family. We laughed, we hugged each other, and we celebrated an amazing little lady. We were all smiles. 

During this time, all of the parents banned together and have been holding down the fort. We went all hands on deck making sure the kiddos were well fed, entertained, and getting through their school work remotely. No matter what we’ve gone through in the past, we are all friends, and doing our part to put our kids first during this time. We make sure we have fun, don’t lose our heads, and remember to laugh. 

This time has got us thinking about what would have happened if Nikki and Ben had never came together and resolved to approach divorce differently. There are many other co-parents out there that haven’t forgiven their ex and are struggling through these uncertain times. This is exactly the reason we wrote Our Happy Divorce. We want to help people get to these happy moments. There is so much joy in family, whatever that may look like for you. If we can do it, anyone can. As we reflect on the darker days, even though there is so much uncertainty in the world right now, it feels pretty good to get through this together.  

If you have any questions or would like to see more content about a particular topic please feel free to reach out to us at [email protected]. We are also always available on our social media channels: Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. If you’d like to join an amazing community of people going through the same thing you are right now, we have a Facebook group that awaits your arrival. 

Stay safe and stay well. 

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10 Go-To Blended Family Resources to Keep You Organized

Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Sharing custody and blending families requires communication and organization. Kids schedules are always changing with school activities, sporting events, party invitations, playdates and more. When you are co-parenting, it’s important that both parents are aware of the kids’ schedules. These resources will help you keep your blended family organized.

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The Ultimate Cheat Sheet To Bring Your Blended Family Together

Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Ever wish there was a checklist for blending new families after divorce? Great news, we’ve got one for you! With a few simple tips and tricks, you’ll be able to help your kids form a close relationship with their step-parents and step- and half-siblings. Here’s what you need to do.

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