Why You Should Leave Your Ego At The Door

After a tough transition period, with all of the ingredients of a non-amicable divorce, Ben and Nikki left their ego at the door and sat down to talk about how they could put Asher first and have a happy divorce. When Ben and Nikki began to discuss the terms of their split, they made a very conscious decision to leave their egos at the door. Instead, they ran every question, decision and confrontation through one simple lens: “What’s best for our son, Asher?”

“We were sure that we could make it work—we just had to sacrifice every last shred of pride, ego, fear, control, and selfishness in ourselves.” ~Nikki DeBartolo and Ben Heldfond

This mutual commitment to set their own personal feelings and egos aside and focus solely on the best outcome for their son set the tone for their entire divorce.

When Ben and Nikki brought new partners into the relationship, they made sure that their new partners were committed to setting their egos aside as well. Every person in the co-parenting relationship, Ben, Nikki, Chad, and Nadia, had to experience setting aside their egos in their own ways. 

Reasons to Set Your Ego Aside

 There are many difficult decisions that have to be made during a divorce, and you’re often unraveling everything all at once and making lifetime decisions during a very emotional time. Setting your ego aside allows you to focus on creating the best outcomes for your children, not yourselves.

Every decision Nikki and Ben made during the divorce process was influenced by Asher. Instead of choosing a, Ben and Nikki focused more sharing custody rather than dividing Asher’s time strictly in half with a standard custody schedule. The specific days and time periods that Asher spends with each parent is flexible based on travel schedules, school events and summer trips. 

Ben and Nikki also focused on Asher as they reached a financial settlement. Instead of relying solely on the prenuptial agreement that was in place and fighting about their businesses, they looked closely at what financial settlement would make the most sense for Asher, now and in the future. By setting aside their personal egos and feelings, they were able to collaborate and create a plan that was all about Asher. 

Divorce Tips for Leaving Your Ego at the Door

One of the most common threats to a relationship is giving up too soon. This applies to marriages, friendships and even your post-divorce relationship with your ex. When you struggle with your ego, it’s easy to give up quickly when things get hard. 

It’s difficult to have any type of relationship with someone who has hurt your pride. Instead of giving up too soon, try these tips to set your ego aside and continue to work together to do what’s best for the kids. 

  • Keep the  focus on your kids. If you ever feel like your communication with your ex is beginning to suffer, do a quick gut check. Make sure you are approaching each decision through the lens of what is best for your kids. 

I knew I had to let go of my ego and insecurities to create the best atmosphere for my son to thrive.” ~ Ben Heldfond

  • Take things slow. It’s difficult to collaborate with someone who has hurt your feelings. Instead of focusing on how your pride has been injured, move the focus back to your kids. It’s okay to take small steps toward working together. Sometimes talking face to face is too much, so you can stick to text messaging or co-parenting apps with built-in messaging. It’s okay to take a step back, too, if you need some space. 

“We put our egos aside when we were together and stepped away for a breather if we ever felt the need to be cutting.”  ~ Nikki DeBartolo

  • Practice forgiveness. Leaving your ego at the door is easier when you forgive yourself and your ex-spouse. Holding a grudge against your ex is typically fueled by your hurt ego. If you can focus on forgiving your ex and yourself for your roles in the divorce, co-parenting will be easier.

Committing to collaboration during the divorce process is hard, but it’s impossible if there’s ego involved. Allowing your ego to dictate your decision takes the focus off the goal: doing what’s best for the kids. A collaborative divorce definitely isn’t the easy decision, but it is the decision with the best outcome for your family.

“If we’d put less work in, we still would’ve had a better experience and outcome than we’d have gotten from a standard divorce, but we wouldn’t have built the foundation for our post-divorce family.” ~ Ben Heldfond  

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