Why You Should Leave Your Ego At The Door
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, February 25, 2020
After a tough transition period, with all of the ingredients of a non-amicable divorce, Ben and Nikki left their ego at the door and sat down to talk about how they could put Asher first and have a happy divorce. When Ben and Nikki began to discuss the terms of their split, they made a very conscious decision to leave their egos at the door. Instead, they ran every question, decision and confrontation through one simple lens: “What’s best for our son, Asher?”
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How to Find a Divorce Support Group
Our Happy Divorce Thursday, February 20, 2020
Divorce can be a very isolating experience. Even though nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce, sometimes it feels like you are the only person going through it. By finding a divorce support group, whether it’s online or in-person, you will receive the support you need to continue healing and be the best co-parent you can be.
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5 Videos That Explain How Kids View Divorce
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, February 18, 2020
There are so many great blogs, podcasts and Facebook pages out there sharing stories by divorce experts who have walked through a divorce and come out on the other side. If you’re looking for some more information, especially about how kids view divorce and what they might be thinking, check out these 5 videos.
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6 Ways To Find Love After Divorce
Our Happy Divorce Thursday, February 13, 2020
Finding love after divorce is a new experience. You may be single for the first time in a long time, or you may have some concerns over dating again so soon after your divorce. This new opportunity to date and find a partner is a great time to reinvent your approach to love.
Looking for Love After Divorce
Just like divorce, there are no hard and fast rules for dating after divorce. What works for other people may not work for you. You may find yourself moving faster or slower. You may have a clear idea of exactly who you’re looking for, or you may need to sift through hundreds of dating profiles. The great news is, there are no expectations. It’s a fresh start.
Here are a few things to keep in mind as you look for love after divorce:
- Take it at your own pace. When you are committed to co-parenting your children, your first focus will be on what’s best for them. It may feel like they need all of your time and attention at first, so dating isn’t really a possibility. That’s okay! At first, your kids do need some extra attention to help them feel loved and help them adjust to this new life. The nice thing about sharing custody with your ex is that you’ll have some extra time to spend on yourself when the kids aren’t with you. When you’re ready, you can use this time to begin meeting new people.
- Be open to meeting new people. Spending time on hobbies and activities you enjoy can help you heal after divorce. It can also be a great way to begin dating after divorce. Set your expectations aside, and keep the focus on yourself. Sometimes when you’re least expecting it, you’ll end up forming a friendship with someone new that leads to something more.
- Realize the difference between dating and love. It’s possible you’re ready to get out there and start meeting new people, but maybe you’re not quite ready for love yet. The hardest part is putting yourself out there. If a date doesn’t lead anywhere else, that’s fine. Take it as a learning experience and pat yourself on the back for doing the hardest part – showing up!
Finding Love After Divorce When You Have Kids
Finding love after divorce when you have kids can raise some additional questions. In addition to thinking about what’s best for you as you look for a relationship, you’ll also be thinking about the type of person who will mesh best with your family.
- Take your time before introducing the kids. There are a lot of things to consider before introducing your kids to someone you are dating. Your children’s ages and maturity level will have a lot to do with it. Don’t let anyone pressure you into meeting your partner’s kids or vice versa until you’re ready. It’s extremely important not to create a revolving door of new partners for the kids. Since they’re already adjusting to their new version of family, they need as much stability as possible. Equally as important, talk to your ex about your new partner and how you’d like to introduce them to your kids, that way nothing is assumed or left unsaid. Everyone should be included in this process to make the transition easier.
“Ben and I had agreed that he should only bring a new partner around our family if he was sure she was there to stay.” ~ Nikki DeBartolo
- Find the right time to blend your families. Take your time before introducing all the kids to each other. It can be helpful to spend some time with your partner’s kids one-on-one and have them spend time with just you and your kids separately, before blending the families all together. This time allows you to get a feel for each other as parents – something that’s important to experience before taking your relationship much further. Then, when you’re ready, you can introduce all the kids to each other.
- Find someone who supports you as a co-parent. It’s important to find someone who supports your co-parenting relationship and even encourages it. In creating their happy divorce, Nikki DiBartolo and Ben Heldfond knew they could only be with new partners who understood the relationship they had. At one point, the pair took their son Asher on a trip to Africa without their respective significant others. You may not be traveling solo with your co-parent, but finding a partner who respects the relationship you do have is essential.
“Ben and I navigated our romantic relationships by trusting that neither of us would bring in anyone who wasn’t focused wholeheartedly on Asher’s well-being.” ~ Nikki DeBartolo
Finding love after divorce is an opportunity to take your time and find the right partner for you and your children. Dating after divorce is a great way to learn more about yourself, discover the type of person you’re most attracted to as a partner and take things at your own pace.
You get to write your own rules about when you will introduce your kids, and you can take as much time as you need to find the right partner for the next phase in your life.
65 Divorce Quotes That Make Ending a Marriage Easier
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Ending a marriage isn’t an easy decision. But if you can look for the light at the end of the tunnel and focus on the positive things a divorce can bring to your life, coping with the changes will be easier. When you need encouragement for co-parenting, step-parenting, divorce or your blended family, find one of these divorce quotes that resonates with you and let it be your guiding light.
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Marriage Story: A Review of Divorce in the Media Over Time
Danny Moore Friday, February 7, 2020
Earlier this month, we published an article on Netflix’s movie, Marriage Story. In that article, we looked at the film from our perspective — a family that had been through the real-life version. We’re starting to see a big change when we think about divorce in the media over time.
When we were reflecting on Marriage Story, we began to appreciate the fact that movies, TV, and other media are starting to look at divorce in a more authentic way. When we look at how marriage has been depicted in the media, we remember movies like War of the Roses, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Liar Liar — all of which show divorce as a “winning” battle. It’s interesting to consider what a momentous push Marriage Story made for divorce depictions in the future.
Taking a Walk Down Memory Lane
War of the Roses (1981) is the big one we think about when we think about a negative portrayal of divorce in the media. However, there is a twist at the end that we can learn from. In the beginning of the movie, a divorce attorney is advising their client in his divorce. He tells the story of one of his past clients who had one of the worst divorces we’ve ever seen, ultimately leading to both of their deaths. At the end of the movie, the divorce attorney uses this as a cautionary tale to advise his client to go home to his wife and settle their differences properly.
What can we learn: When we let our ego, spite, and hatred get in the way, no one comes out ahead. Leave your ego at the door, and try to approach your divorce in a healthy, positive way.
Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) definitely shows the importance of putting children first in your divorce, however, a lot of shenanigans have to happen before the couple decides to share custody of their children. This movie portrays the wife in an extremely negative light, painting her as the villain that gets in the way of her husband seeing his kids.
What can we learn: At the end of the day, things are better when a child has two positive co-parents involved in their lives. Remember, “love makes a family a family, no matter the distance between its members.”
Liar, Liar (1997) shows the downfall of putting your career above your kids. In this movie, Jim Carrey’s character is initially shown as the anti-hero but goes through a change where he realizes he should have put his kids first all along. Throughout his divorce proceedings, Carrey’s character starts to learn the importance of family and approaching his relationships without a big ego.
What we can learn: Always put your kids first. They are the only player in your life that has no say. We owe it to them to do what’s best for their future.
What Marriage Story Does Better
What makes Marriage Story an award-winning film in our book is its authenticity. Marriage Story doesn’t skirt around the fact that divorce is hard. It definitely shows the negative spiral of divorce attorneys, custody battles, and putting your kids in the crossfires. However, what we really like is that it doesn’t paint either party as the bad guy. Both sides have flaws and faults, and that’s just human. It takes two to make a marriage work, and it takes two to break it. What’s important is that at the end of it all, you do what’s best for your kids, lose the ego, and settle your differences in a happy and healthy way.
We hope that in the future, divorce in the media is less stigmatized. We hope that there are no villains in divorce stories, but real families trying to make it work for their children. You can be a good person and still make mistakes. You can have a rough start to your divorce. You also have the capability to pick yourself up from the ruble, forgive yourself and your ex, and start fresh with a positive, wise mindset.
You’ve Had An Amicable Divorce: Now What?
Our Happy Divorce Thursday, February 6, 2020
Even if the process of ending your marriage is smooth and collaborative, this is just the beginning of an amicable divorce. When you have kids, the divorce process is ongoing because you will continue raising kids together in individual homes. The collaboration and communication that made your divorce friendly lays the groundwork for rebuilding your family and establishing a positive co-parenting relationship.
No matter what, kids are always going to be somewhat in the middle of a divorce. When you begin with an amicable divorce, you are already taking steps to make sure the divorce is a positive experience for them. This helps avoid a lot of the negative effects of divorce on kids.
Keeping Divorce Amicable
If you can start your divorce by committing to what’s best for your kids, you’ll be surprised at how amicable you can be with your ex throughout the process.
- Start with forgiveness. The first step to having an amicable divorce is to forgive yourself and your ex. When you accept that you both had a part to play in the marriage ending, it’s easier to work together on a collaborative divorce.
- Focus on the kids. Keeping your attention on what’s best for your kids can help you make better decisions during and after the divorce. Instead of allowing resentment and anger to influence your decisions, ask yourself what the best outcome is for the kids. Let this be your guiding light.
“Our happy divorce began when we realized that, contrary to popular wisdom, we could have the thing we wanted most: What is best for Asher.” ~ Nikki DiBartolo and Ben Heldfond
- Take time to heal. Working on yourself helps you find happiness after divorce. Healing after divorce takes time and the process is different for everyone. Be patient with yourself. Start with forgiving yourself, then work on accepting that your marriage is over but you have a lot of life ahead of you.
- Put yourself first. A marriage is about partnership. Now that you’re no longer partnered with your ex, it’s your chance to put yourself first. This often feels selfish at first. Instead of dreading life after divorce, think about all the new opportunities you have because you’re no longer married. By finding activities and support circles that make you happy, it will be easier to collaborate with your ex.
- Set some new priorities. You have total control over your household rules, family traditions, your career and your finances now. This is the perfect opportunity to look closely at what matters most to you and set some new goals after your divorce. You may want to adjust your priorities now that you’re on your own.
Working Together After the Divorce
Once you’ve worked together on all the details that go into a divorce, you’ve done most of the hard work! When you’re ready, you can come together to continue raising your kids as co-parents.
- Make communication a priority. Whether it’s face to face, through texts or by using one of the many co-parenting apps out there with built-in messaging technology, communicating frequently is important. Even just a simple check-in about homework or making a custody swap helps keep the lines of communication open.
- Find a support system to keep you on track. Sometimes it’s easier to continue building a relationship with your ex as co-parents when you have a support system to keep you in check. Rely on your friends, counselors, and others to let you know if you could be working together better.
- Keep going. Ben Heldfond and Nikki DiBartolo will be the first to tell you their divorce wasn’t always a happy one. In the beginning, it took everything they had just to be in the same room together. But slowly, as they each maintained a commitment to doing what was best for their son Asher, they built a new relationship with each other as parents. It takes time to build a collaborative co-parenting relationship, but your kids will reap the benefits.
Agreeing to put your kids first in your divorce is the first step to having an amicable divorce. Once the legal part of your separation is final, it’s time to start building your new family dynamic as co-parents. By focusing on forgiveness and treating yourself right, you’ll find it easier to get along with your ex, too. All of these things can help you have a friendlier, more amicable relationship with your former partner after your divorce.
5 Steps to Forgiving Your Ex
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, February 4, 2020
After a divorce, forgiving your ex is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Sometimes forgiveness is hard, especially in a difficult divorce. But, forgiving your ex is really more for you than for your ex. Forgiveness releases you to move on and build a new life. Saying goodbye to ongoing resentment can help protect your kids from some of the damaging effects of divorce, too.
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Life After Divorce: A Review of The Divorce Support Community
Our Happy Divorce Thursday, January 30, 2020
As Nikki DeBartolo and Ben Heldfond began sharing their story through their book Our Happy Divorce, the divorce support community has welcomed them with open arms. It’s always encouraging to hear true stories from another couple who is changing the face of divorce and making co-parenting the norm.
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A Happy Divorce Is Easier Than You Might Think
Our Happy Divorce Thursday, January 23, 2020
A happy divorce is easier than you might think. It’s normal, especially during a divorce, to imagine that working together with your ex would be utterly impossible. When there are children involved in your separation, finding your path toward a happy divorce is imperative.
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