Divorcing Right to Parent Right
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, November 10, 2020
The way you divorce can have a major impact on the way you are able to co-parent in the future. Julia Dennison, the digital content director of Parents.com and host of the We Are Family podcast, joined Ben, Kate and Susan to discuss divorcing right to parent right.
As a child, Julia’s grandparents went through a bitter divorce and her father said he wished people could go to “Divorce School.” This stuck with her when she went through her own divorce with a 1-year-old daughter.
Ben, Kate, Susan and Julia shared the most important lessons from their own Divorce School experiences:
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. This advice comes up frequently because it’s so important for co-parents to pick their battles. When a disagreement arises, take a few moments to reset your perspective and ask yourself if this battle truly matters.
- Remember your top priority: the kids. If you and your co-parent are both focused on what’s best for the kids, you’ll actually agree on more than you think. Throughout the divorce, keep your focus on your plan to parent well. When facing different decisions, it’s important to consider which outcome is best for the kids.
- Rethink your parenting roles. Divorce causes you to confront the mental boundaries you’ve placed on your co-parent. Often, mothers see themselves as the primary caregiver. This can cause fathers to feel inferior. In order to co-parent successfully, you must trust that your co-parent is capable of caring for the children. You may do things differently, but that doesn’t mean they’re better.
- Shift your perspective. When you co-parent and share custody, you will have periods where you are alone. Instead of viewing this as a negative thing, use this time to recharge!
Listen to the full livestream to hear more about how COVID is impacting co-parenting and important co-parenting considerations for same-sex couples. Stream Divorcing Right to Parenting Right now.
Don’t forget to follow us on all of our social channels: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn. If you’d like to join our private Facebook community, please visit the Our Happy Divorce Facebook Group.
Julia Dennison is the digital content director at Parents.com and the host of the We Are Family podcast. Follow her on Instagram @juliadennison.
To learn more about Kate Anthony and The Divorce Survival Guide, visit her on Facebook and Instagram or visit KateAnthony.com. Listen to her podcast at: kateanthony.com/podcast-1.
Discover more about Susan Guthrie and The Divorce and Beyond Podcast on Facebook and Instagram or at DivorceandBeyond.org. Listen to the Divorce and Beyond Podcast here: divorceandbeyond.podbean.com
Co-Parenting as a Step-Parent During a Pandemic
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, October 20, 2020
Navigating a COVID-19 as a blended family can present unique challenges for co-parents and step-parents. In successful blended families, step-parents are very much a part of the daily decisions and conversations about the children. Communication in blended families should extend beyond just biological co-parents.
We chatted with Nadia and Chad, Asher’s step-parents, about their advice for other step-parents during a pandemic.
Q: What has it been like to co-parent as stepparents during a pandemic?
Nadia: As one could imagine, it has been challenging! Trying to coordinate two households with three children of varying ages, social and emotional needs, while also remaining a united front has been a challenge. We are quite blessed to have the close bond that we share because we are able to communicate directly about our concerns for each member of our family and help find agreeable solutions.
Chad: It has been challenging as we navigated freedom versus safety for our kids.
Q: From your point of view, what was it like to quarantine as an entire family by sheltering in your own homes and only seeing each other?
Nadia: Better than the alternative!
Chad: It really brought us closer together as the safer-at-home order allowed us the opportunity to spend significant quality time together. From playing board games, card games or watching Netflix, we did together taking advantage of the free time we faced.
Q: What has been your favorite memory coming from quarantining together?
Nadia: Our children spent so much time together that they wouldn’t have otherwise had! The age gap is significant and so the littles got to spend EXTRA time with their big brother. So many sleepovers!
Chad: Playing Monopoly…which took three days to finish.
Q: What advice can you share for others who are co-parenting as stepparents during COVID?
Nadia: Talk to your co-parents in person. Avoid texting and allow yourself to be vulnerable, focus on “I” statements not YOU.
Chad: Support your spouse as we navigate these unprecedented times.
Coronavirus has thrown everyone for a loop and especially blended families who are living across households. In these unprecedented times, remember to communicate clearly with your co-parents (all of them!) and keep your focus on what’s best for the kids. We’ll get through this together.
How to Co-Parent When You Were Never Married
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, August 18, 2020
Co-parenting creates a safer, healthier environment for children after a breakup. When both parents keep their focus on successfully co-parenting, despite the end of their personal relationship, kids are able to better navigate the changes in their family structure. Although you were never married, it’s still possible for you and your ex-partner to work together to co-parent your children.
Start with the basics
There are a lot of decisions that need to be made about parenting your children after a breakup. Typically, unmarried parents will have similar custody decisions to make as divorcing parents. Although things may be amicable in the breakup, it’s important to take the time to get a legal custody and parenting plan in place.
There are many decisions you’ll need to make so that you can co-parent your children when you were never married. These decisions will impact:
- Custody and parenting schedules
- Decision-making authority
- Access to critical records
- Communication and access to the children
Set some ground rules
As you begin to figure out how to co-parent when you were never married, you’ll need to set some ground rules about:
- Custody: Setting up custody is one of the first decisions you’ll need to make so that you can keep your kids’ schedules and lives as uninterrupted as possible. You should focus on keeping routines as consistent as possible for the kids, and your plans can always adjust in the future as circumstances change.
- Communication: It’s essential for children to have access to both their parents, regardless of who has physical custody of them. Set some initial guidelines for when you can speak with your children when you don’t have physical custody.
Continue to work on your relationship
Although your romantic relationship is over, as co-parents you will be in each other’s lives for quite awhile. It’s important for co-parents who were never married to continue to work on their relationship.
On a recent episode of the podcast, Ben shared how important taking some time away to process was for his relationship with his ex, Nikki. This time away allowed him to check in with himself and work through some of his personal issues. By doing so, he was able to reconnect with Nikki afterwards as a better co-parent.
It’s also important for your new relationship with your co-parent to take accountability. Acknowledge the role you played in the breakup and avoid placing blame on your partner.
How to keep it positive moving forward
Co-parenting is more effective when you create a positive relationship with your ex. You can do this by:
- Leaving your ego at the door. When you accept your ex for who they are, it’s easier to work together as co-parents. Focus on the qualities that make your ex a great parent to your children.
- Practicing forgiveness. Forgiveness is critical for co-parents who were never married. In addition to forgiving each other for your parts in the breakup, continue to forgive each other as you co-parent. Co-parenting is new to each of you and there will be missteps along the way. Forgive your ex and forgive yourself so that you can both focus on doing what’s best for the kids.
- Setting boundaries. Your relationship with your ex will be different now that you are co-parents and not partners. It’s okay to set healthy boundaries for what you share and don’t share with your ex. Focus on communicating about what’s best for the children and keep your personal personal.
Tips to make it easier to co-parent when you never married
It’s common for co-parents to have different parenting styles. This can make it hard to see eye to eye on raising children, especially when you are no longer living in the same household. Here’s what you can do to make co-parenting easier, even if you were never married:
- Put the kids first. This is the most important thing you and your ex can do when co-parenting. Keep the focus on what’s best for the kids in all the decisions you make.
- Find easy ways to communicate. Co-parenting requires a high level of communication. Find an app that makes it easy to plan schedules, communicate throughout the week and track important documents. When possible, chat face-to-face to avoid miscommunications that can occur over text messaging.
- Accept your ex for who they are. Co-parenting with your ex, especially when you were never married, is easier when you focus on your shared goal – raising happy, healthy kids. Accept the things you can’t change and focus on working together as co-parents.
When you and your ex decide to end your relationship, your focus will shift to co-parenting your children. While it’s not always easy, it’s possible to form a productive co-parenting relationship with your ex. Co-parenting when you were never married requires communication and collaboration. When you are intentional about forgiving your ex and yourself, it becomes even easier to keep the focus on successfully co-parenting the children you share.
Co-Parenting & Co-mmunication
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, July 28, 2020
Ben, Kate, and Susan welcomed CEO of Fayr, Michael Daniels to their livestream this week to discuss navigating the waters of co-parenting and divorce through communication and collaboration.
Being a Transparent Co-Parent
Communication is key in every relationship, but especially when it comes to divorce and co-parenting. However, it can be hard when there is so much “he said, she said” and resentment involved. This is why Michael created Fayr (Family Advocacy is Your Responsibility), an application to help streamline the process of co-parenting. It takes away the ambiguity you may feel from one another, and documents items such as expenses and drop-off times, all while letting your co-parent see what’s going on.
Even with an amazing application like Fayr, there are still some important points to keep in mind when it comes to communicating as co-parents. The first being that the “co” in communication and co-parenting mean you have to work together. Co-parenting is a two-way street, and if one or both of you is having difficulties communicating, you’ll never be able to truly put your children first. In the long run, letting your emotions and resentment towards your ex take control can hurt your children and derail the journey to a positive co-parenting relationship.
Secondly, keeping communication face-to-face or over the phone, NOT through text messages and emails, will steer you and your co-parent away from dreaded miscommunication. When you can’t hear somebody’s tone, see their facial expressions, or read their body language, what you have to say can easily get lost in translation. This can make it that much harder to communicate efficiently and effectively, as well as cause unnecessary problems between co-parents, kids, lawyers, or anyone else involved.
Take Hold of Your Communication Style
Being responsible for your own communication is also vital. Let’s be honest, you’ve made a dig at your ex or rehashed the past when trying to talk to them about your kids. These behaviors can put a barrier between you and your co-parent, which in the long run, can also affect your kids. The reason you’re talking with your co-parent is to make sure your children are happy, healthy, and organized to avoid further family conflict. Both Kate and Susan often recommend the book BIFF to their clients, highlighting the importance of keeping communication brief, informative, friendly, but firm.
You can also learn new ways to communicate. Even if you and your ex’s communication styles worked during your marriage, your dynamic has now drastically changed. Take time to sit down with one another to figure out how you can best communicate and co-parent your kids. Whether it’s meeting up once a week to talk, keeping conversations to brief phone calls, or using a resource like Fayr to transparently communicate while apart, finding ways to effectively communicate and co-parent is a step toward a happy co-parenting relationship.
To listen to watch other live streams from Our Happy Divorce, visit our Youtube page.
Don’t forget to follow us on all of our social channels: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn. If you’d like to join our private Facebook community, please visit the Our Happy Divorce Facebook Group.
To learn more about Kate Anthony and The Divorce Survival Guide, visit her on Facebook and Instagram or visit KateAnthony.com. Listen to her podcast at kateanthony.com/podcast-1
Discover more about Susan Guthrie and The Divorce and Beyond Podcast on Facebook and Instagram or at DivorceandBeyond.org. Listen to the Divorce and Beyond Podcast here: divorceandbeyond.podbean.com
Learn more about Fayr on their website and social media accounts. To learn more about Michael Daniels, check out his Twitter @fayrdad, and Facebook @befayr.
The Road to Finding A Better Relationship with Your Ex
Our Happy Divorce Thursday, June 18, 2020
When family courts are drastically impacted by the coronavirus pandemic, many are left with no choice than to find a happier and healthier approach to divorce. Ben and Nikki welcomed Susan Guthrie, Collaborative Divorce Attorney and host of The Divorce and Beyond Podcast, and Kate Anthony, Divorce Coach and host of The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast to a recent livestream to talk about divorce in these unprecedented times.
Here are the major takeaways:
- Together Apart: While the marriage didn’t work out, your relationship with your ex can still be strong. Perhaps quarantine is forcing you both to come together, talk, and brainstorm solutions to how you’re going to tackle this for your children.
- Don’t Place Blame: Almost always both parties play a part in the breakdown of the marriage. Take accountability for your errors in the marriage, forgive yourself and learn to forgive your ex. Holding onto the resentment and anger is only holding you back.
- Take Some Time: Ben was able to take enough time after he and Nikki decided to separate to deal with his own emotions. Not putting a rushed timeline to just “get the divorce done” allowed the dust of the breakup to settle, egos to be set aside, and Ben and Nikki to both come together and talk out their divorce human-to-human.
- Prevent Unnecessary Damage: The easiest weapon for most parents is the kids. No one wins in divorce. When you walk into a divorce litigation situation with the idea that you’re going to “win,” the only one that loses is your kids and your happiness. There is a happier and healthier way.
To listen to the full livestream, visit: HERE.
Don’t forget to follow us on all of our social channels: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn. If you’d like to join our private Facebook community, please visit the Our Happy Divorce Facebook Group.
To learn more about Kate Anthony and The Divorce Survival Guide, visit her on Facebook and Instagram or visit KateAnthony.com. Listen to her podcast HERE.
Discover more about Susan Guthrie and The Divorce and Beyond Podcast on Facebook and Instagram or at DivorceandBeyond.com. Listen to the Divorce and Beyond Podcast HERE.
Co-Parenting During COVID-19
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, June 9, 2020
This is truly an unprecedented time in all of our lives. There is no roadmap for what COVID-19 means for families, co-parents, and those going through a divorce. But, one thing remains the same and will always remain the same — you have to do what’s best for your kids.
Family courts are behind right now, facing emergency order requests, and co-parents panicking over what COVID-19 means for the status of their divorce and custody arrangements. It has become a time where co-parents must come together because there is no legal system to sort through the rubble. Right now, we must all rely on being a good human for each other to make it through the coronavirus crisis. That includes being a good human for your ex.
In Ben and Nikki’s recent livestream, they brought on divorce attorney and co-founder of Hello Divorce, Erin Levine, to talk about what COVID-19 means for co-parenting relationships. Here are the major takeaways:
- Your ex is not your child’s ex. There are things that you can do to make a happier and healthier life for your child when it comes to your ex.
- Limiting exposure to conflict and adult drama is key. Remember, communication issues that you had during your marriage don’t go away after divorce. If you’ve been communicating and it hasn’t been working, you need to try something different.
- Don’t let chatter ignite your ego. Find allies that know you, your triggers, and what your kids need instead of people such as your attorney, who want to get down and dirty on how to “win” your divorce.
- Celebrate your personality. Your ex is going to have the same personality traits as they had when you were married. Sometimes that can work to your advantage. Are you both funny? Try laughing about the situation. Find common ground even if it’s hard. A child hearing their parents laughing instead of arguing is always better.
To listen to the full livestream, visit our Youtube page.
Don’t forget to follow us on all of our social channels: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Linkedin. If you’d like to join our private Facebook community, please visit the Our Happy Divorce Facebook Group.
To view more about Erin Levine, you can visit her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter or visit HelloDivorce.com.
7 TV Shows That Show Positive Co-Parenting
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, June 2, 2020
Co-parents rejoice! Finally mainstream TV shows are showing positive co-parenting relationships more and more frequently. It’s taken a while, and a rocky parenting relationship definitely drives ratings, but co-parenting, blended families and step-parenting are becoming more than just supporting storylines.
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Blend by Mashonda and Why She Chose to Put Her Kids First
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, May 12, 2020
When Swizz Beatz married Alicia Keys, their approach to co-parenting their blended family made headlines. The couple partnered with Swizz’s first wife, Mashonda Tifrere, to provide a great example of a blended family where everyone is committed to co-parenting and doing what’s best for the kids.
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Co-Parenting Memes That Are All-Too-Relatable
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Co-parenting is full of ups and downs. As you continue to build your co-parenting relationship, you’re bound to encounter some funny situations along the way. In the mean time, take a look at these co-parenting memes that perfectly describe the good, the bad and the ugly parts of co-parenting.
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Co-Parenting: How to Form a Productive Relationship With Your Ex
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, April 14, 2020
You’ve ended your marriage and are interested in keeping things positive with your ex. Starting the process is always the hardest part. Luckily, the amicable divorce movement is gaining ground, and other people just like you are actively working toward mutually beneficial splits. But, what do you do if you’re having trouble bridging the gap between your hurt feelings from the end of your marriage and moving into a positive future?
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