What it Means to Eat The Frog After Your Divorce
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, May 19, 2020
Mark Twain is quoted as saying, “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.” Just like eating a frog, the first step toward co-parenting is often the hardest bite to swallow. But it’s worth it!
(more…)
Celebrating Mother’s Day After Your Divorce
Our Happy Divorce Sunday, May 10, 2020
Celebrating Mother’s Day after a divorce can bring up mixed emotions. At first, it can be overwhelming to celebrate Mother’s Day as a single mom. Instead of allowing these negative emotions to take over, use this day as an opportunity to check in with yourself and your kids.
(more…)
How Do We NOT Mess Up Our Kids in our Divorce?
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, May 5, 2020
How do we NOT mess up our kids in our divorce? This may be a question that crosses your mind when determining the end of your marriage. Oftentimes, we see couples decide to stay together “for the kids”. What many people don’t realize is that staying together in a toxic relationship is far more detrimental to the well-being of your children then living separately. Additionally, being divorced and engaging in a toxic co-parenting relationship can be damaging for your children too.Nadia is a psychotherapist with her own practice, and she has graciously written this article to help answer that question. Here’s what she has to say:
Keep Children Out Of Your Own Mess
How do we NOT mess up our children? By keeping them out of our own mess. By allowing them to simply be children. They do not have to hear about our grown-up problems. How do we accomplish this? By vowing to not speak disparagingly about the other parent in front of the children. By not speaking about the perceived burdens and stressors — whether it be financial or emotional. Quite often, parents don’t realize that seemingly small jabs at the other parent do not fall onto deaf ears. As a clinician, I can tell you that your children don’t need to hear it, many of them don’t want to hear it, and they are not intellectually or emotionally equipped to hear it.
They are left as little protectors. Trying to protect each parent from the other. That leaves very little space for them to feel safe and protected in either home. Sometimes, this may make a child align with one adult, which again is not the job of a child. Nor does a child have the emotional intelligence to understand the motivations of each parent and what they are aligning with. More often than not, we see children feeling split down the middle and trying very hard to make sure that all of the adults’ feelings are protected. If you feel the need to pull your child into the matters of your divorce, you may want to ask yourself some hard questions.
- What purpose does this serve?
- What are my true motives behind saying this?
- Is this information HELPFUL, age-appropriate, or necessary to my child?
- Would I want my ex doing or saying this to my child?
Need Additional Help? Seek Guidance From a Professional
There are many different types of therapists that can help guide you through this challenging transition to becoming effective co-parents. Sometimes, former couples seek help together with a mediator or relationship/couples counselor. This can be great to have a non-biased party there to help facilitate communication and remind each other of the agreed-upon goals.
Additionally, seeing a therapist for individual counseling can yield incredibly, valuable benefits as well. Working on yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable behind closed doors and process your less flattering thoughts and feelings can help you grow as an individual and as a co-parent. Lastly, talking to other couples who have done or who are currently having a successful blended family is an undeniable source for guidance.
About Nadia:
Nadia Grannon Heldfond, MSW is a psychotherapist, life coach and registered clinical social worker intern in the Tampa Bay area. Nadia is a co-owner of a private practice, New Day Mental Health Counseling, in South Tampa with her friend and colleague Kelsey Paterson.
Guest Post: Karen Millon on The Importance of Grieving and Healing After Divorce
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Divorce is an extremely painful and traumatic event and often cited as the second hardest only to the death of a loved one.
In my opinion, it is sometimes even worst, because, for the one experiencing it, it also represents the death of a relationship, of a future, of dreams once imagined, of a nuclear family and its relationships, but without the social acceptance and essential mourning rituals and funerals that come with death and that is so fundamental to a grieving process.
Even worse, instead of getting the community support that comes with empathy from others and heartfelt condolences and the eulogy speeches honoring the departed, divorce is met with societal disapproval, that can easily generate one’s feelings of shame, failure, and further guilt. Shame plays an even more profound factor in many cultural settings.
I believe that one of the reasons that divorce often turns into a spiral of deep-rooted anger and destruction that too often lasts too many years, to a lifetime, is because of the inability to properly grieve and heal.
Because of our shame or guilt, both parties, usually get stuck in the anger stage. The one being left is angry for being left and the one leaving is angry for being driven to the point of leaving and feeling tremendous guilt for it.
But behind that anger, is the deep-rooted need for being and feeling loved, and in the absence of that, there is fear, shame, rejection, worthlessness, disappointment, loneliness, and deep sadness.
If we are able to immediately treat divorce as we death, and focus on grieving, mourning, and healing, we are able to release and process those underlying feelings, let them go, grow, learn and focus on love. Love for ourselves, and also love for our ex-spouse. Because underneath it all, we all just want to be loved. With healing and therapy, you can understand your part, which leads to self-reflection, responsibility, apologies and forgiveness – forgiveness of your ex-spouse and importantly, forgiveness of oneself, too.
This then nourishes the fact that the end of the marriage does not need to signify the end of the friendship, and even family, because while the romantic love has banished, a pure, familiar love remains.
A love that guided me and my ex immediately after our initial separation to continue to walk our two children to school, remain, friends, share meals and vacations together. A love that allowed my ex to become close friends with the man for whom I left him and become the present and active Godfather to my third child. A love that grows and allows us to spend considerable amounts of time together and create a “Modern Family” to our combined 5 daughters, where we have become a strong and positive role model of love, growth, and profound happiness and where they were not therefore forever damaged by the divorce, but benefited by it.
Karen Millon’s Brief Biography
Karen Millon is a successful business entrepreneur where among several accomplishments she was the Co-founder and President of LifeLike BioTissue, Inc. in Canada.
At the end of the winter of 2013, while traveling for work, and completely out of the blue, she met her soulmate. He was her perfect match in every single marker, but there was just one problem… she was married to a good man with two small children.
In a matter of one day, she made the difficult decision to leave her husband of 13 years (18 years together).
This story had the potential to become another cliché marked by betrayal, anger, and hostility. But instead, she and her ex-husband created something amazing.
A focus on grieving and healing was the key.
She focused on her own, her ex-spouse’s, and her children’s grief. The family unit took the time to face their grief and then to honored it. They cried together for hours a night for weeks. She and her ex talked and talked and talked until they could not talk anymore. Nothing, no recrimination, no explanation was left unspoken.
She started therapy with EMDR Treatment (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) twice a week for the first 3 months to deal with her grief and to heal her wounds. She recommended an Attachment-Based therapist for her ex, with whom he began to see. This work with professional therapists was fundamental for understanding and processing what had happened. It allowed both to take responsibility. This led to deep rooted apologies and forgiveness.
Today, Karen has left her previous company and is on a mission to inspire others to heal to be able to achieve sustainable amazing lives. You can get inspired to heal by following her at @amazingdivorce and subscribing to the upcoming The HealIn Podcast.
Can Mediation and Yoga Really Help You Cope With Your Divorce
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Divorce is a big disruption to your daily routine. Finding some activities to help you recenter and refocus can be really helpful in reducing the emotional and physical stress you’re going through. Physical activity is a great way to manage stress, and yoga and meditation are two great ways to cope with your divorce.
(more…)
What Divorced Parents Should Know About the Coronavirus
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, April 7, 2020
It’s a hard time for all of us. We’re all trying to navigate a time unlike any in our history. What we’ve known about divorce, co-parenting, and stepparenting, in general, has suddenly been pivoted in a matter of weeks. We want all of our readers to know that we are here for you during this time. Together, we can get through this, and we know that it will make for a better future on the other side. Here are some helpful tips about what divorced parents should know about the coronavirus.
If you’re going through a divorce right now or have a co-parent that you haven’t reached out to lately, now is a better time than any to set aside your ego and put your kids first. We know it’s hard. We thought it was hard when we were going through our divorce, but the pressure of today’s world is something we cannot imagine going through when we were going through our initial divorce stages.
We’ve put together a list of some helpful tips that will hopefully make things easier for you. As always, if you need any additional support during this time, drop us a note. We are here for you.
1. Talk to your co-parent about how you will explain coronavirus to your kids. Explaining the virus is different for everyone and every child, but chances are, your kids have heard about it. If you’re an anxious parent or have a nervous child, keep the doors of conversation open. But, make sure you and your co-parent are on the same page. Misinformation can stir up unnecessary worries.
2. In our households, we made a family decision to self-quarantine because we have children in both homes and one child going back and forth we (the adults) decided when and how much we would shut down from the outside world. Our united front has helped us stay firm when our children’s friends don’t have the same social restrictions. It has also given us each other during this surreal time. We feel safe in each other’s homes because we follow the same rules. The consistency across both households helps our children feel safe within those boundaries during a frightening time. Also, our 3 children get special bonding time that they otherwise wouldn’t have had.
3. Schools are closed, who will be in charge of the homework? We recommend setting up your homework schedule with your co-parent. To make sure your child is doing their best work at home, try to structure school-time in a way that matches your child’s needs. If mom is better at writing and dad is better at math, perhaps you discuss which parent should help out in their specialized areas. If your co-parent doesn’t know how to use a new online schooling system, help them out. It’s hard for all of us right now, especially the non-tech savvy.
4. It’s important for everyone during these uncertain times to maintain a schedule. If you haven’t already, talk to your co-parent about your custody schedule, and maybe it’s time to modify a few things. If you are both working from home, check in with your co-parent to see if they need a break, and get flexible. These are uncertain times, and we all need to be understanding of each other’s mental health.
5. Enjoy time together as much as you can. If you are at the beginning of your divorce, it can be hard to set aside those fresh feelings and come together as a blended family. However, it’s time to get creative. Your kids will appreciate a walk as a family, or a board game together. Anything that brings a sense of normalcy and comfort during this time helps. Processing a divorce and this pandemic at the same time will be hard, but you and your co-parent are there for each other and most importantly, your children.
6. Use technology to bring your family together. Your kids could be scared right now and might want to reach out to your co-parent when it’s not their night to have the children. With apps like skype and zoom, it’s easy to reassure your kids that the other parent is just a call away. This can settle anxiety and stress in your child, so make time for this and utilize technology if needed. It is not the time to be selfish and feed your ego. Set your ego aside as much as you can and open up the tools of communication that are available to you.
Some extra tips:
- Make sure you are encouraging playtime outdoors, if it’s safe for you to do so. The sun will help boost your family’s mood and exercise is necessary to deal with stressors.
- Encourage your co-parent to make healthy meals and limit over-snacking.
- If you have an extra roll of toilet paper and your ex needs some, maybe toilet paper is the olive branch you always needed.
If you have any questions or would like to see more content about a particular topic please feel free to reach out to us at [email protected]. We are also always available on our social media channels: Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. If you’d like to join an amazing community of people going through the same thing you are right now, we have a Facebook group that awaits your arrival.
Stay safe and stay well.
Good People Make Mistakes – What Matters Most is What Comes After
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Mistakes happen. This seems like a very obvious statement, but when you are dealing with a difficult divorce or child custody decisions, it can be easy to get overwhelmed by perceived mistakes the other parent is making. Whether you’ve been through a divorce before or not, this is the first time you are making parenting decisions with your current ex. There are bound to be mistakes as you both figure it out, but what matters most is what comes next.
(more…)
How To Accept Your Ex For Exactly Who They Are
Our Happy Divorce Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Co-parenting is powered by a collaborative relationship with your ex-spouse. Your common commitment to doing whatever is best for your children will help you work together. But working side by side with someone who hurt you isn’t always easy. It takes maturity and intention to begin to accept your ex for exactly who they are.
(more…)
10 Pinterest Boards For A Happy Divorce Inspiration
Our Happy Divorce Thursday, March 5, 2020
Vision boards are really helpful when you’re focusing on having a happy divorce and making some divorce resolutions. To get started, think about what a happy divorce means to you, and find images and quotes that resonate with you. Use these boards to remind yourself that your kids are the most important thing, and it’s okay to prioritize your own self-care now that you’re single.
(more…)
Life After Divorce: What No One Is Talking About
Our Happy Divorce Thursday, February 27, 2020
There is a lot of advice available about how to get divorced, but advice for what to expect after the divorce is final is harder to find. Often, actually getting divorced is the easy part. Questions start to pop up when you begin encountering things for the first time after being divorced. Here’s what you can expect.
(more…)